Tony Holden @ 85

[1] These 1000 words or so are my autobiography at my 85 th birthday.

[2] I choose to start from Siri Hustvedt’s words: “We were all inside our

mother’s bodies once”.

[3] I was born 24 August 1940 in Nelson, North Lancashire - I had no

sense of World War 2 in my early years.

[4] In fact during my childhood I felt loved, safe, interested, hopeful as I

lived with my parents Clarence and Eva Holden. Their lives were

strongly shaped by their leadership in the Methodist Church and by the

Lancashire textile industry. I have memories and photos of them through

the years and most days I think of them and their lifelong love for me

and us.

[5] There was much to enjoy at schools and two universities. And,

accepting my limits, I took to being a student as readily as watching

films, looking at art, having friends and a serious girlfriend, playing

football, and enjoying living in Leeds and Cambridge.

[6] And then Barbara and I met and the rest (including our vocations,

work, my 12 homes, our twins, life in Loughton) has indeed been our

history. Being a Northerner with a Lancashire accent and a Welsh wife

always sat easily with our very long love-affair with London.

[7] Of course, “it is,” as people say, “all relative.” I mean for example,

noise, violence, anxiety, pain. I think I have underrated human

selfishness and sheer wickedness. Also, at a personal level, I hadn’t

expected quite so many ‘losses’ since we both retired by 2006. We

recognise on a world-scale our privilege but also know, day by day, in

our age and multiple ill-health, how much is hard-won!

[8] If our local church is Loughton Methodist Church it began with my

home church at Railway St. Methodist Church Nelson, Lancashire (as

did Barbara’s at Salem in Nelson, South Wales). Note the coincidence!

The 40 years as a Methodist Minister gave us and Sian and Adam many

opportunities. The work in local churches, the regional and then national

appointments focused on antiracism and antipoverty issues. It all fit-well

with Barbara’s teaching, her London Borough of Newham (LBN)

community work in schools, and then as she managed adult education

and youth work in a third of the hugely diverse LBN.

[9] My adult life of writing began with all the years of note-taking as a

student. At 20 I wrote my first poem, and I have continued writing with

some 830 poems, so far. My Methodist and ecumenical church work

gave me opportunity to write and edit books and articles for several

decades. I loved it and in retirement we write together for our local LMC

magazine, and my personal writing and poems continue.

[10] Over the years, within all the activity, we persisted in our searches

for wisdom and wellbeing. For Barbara this has often meant privileging

people and connections. I’ve worked away at my writing (backed by

reading and my fascination with European and other cultures). I’ve also

persisted at my daily exercises, prayers, worship and what I term

‘meditative focus.’ And in retirement we both do artwork - me drawing

and Barbara craft and colouring. And so, we ‘keep going.’

[11] And somehow, through all the changes we have stuck to our

commitment to “justice, peace and the integrity of creation” [the World

Council of Churches] and to our slogan: “one planet: earth – one people:

humans.” This has included our opposition and resistance to all violence.

Our working life continued these commitments. Barbara in the LBN

(1976-2006) with her experiences based in Wales, the Christian/

Methodist Church, education, political loyalties and feminism. I prioritised

antiracism and antipoverty whilst, through writing and editing, I sought to

‘do theology.’ This included the ‘politics of liberation,’ interpretations of

the Jesus of the Gospels, philosophical questions that turned on how we

use the word ‘God’ {“I use the word ‘God’ to mean…”}.

[12] Truth and meaning are hugely important. I’d say the answers to the

big questions about ‘the meaning of everything’ become more and more

uncertain. And, for me, whatever I understand, imagine, think, write is

about judging the truth and falsity of all I experience. So, Bernard

Williams: “There has to be a difference between what things are like if it

is true and what things are like if it isn’t.”

[13] Then there are persons, friendships, sex. There is the sheer utter

joy of those we love and care for and who care for us. There is the loss

of close friends.

[14]. I often experience a sense of the overwhelming strangeness of

being alive on this planet. The cosmos, our planet, hominins, humans

(and our understanding of them) are all wonderful, challenging, worth

living for yes - but (with Wittgenstein) I often think and feel: “what is the

point of explanations if there is no final explanation?”

[15] Recently we have found ourselves with European and Middle East

wars and with the rise of authoritarian leadership. The media

(Guardian/BBC) reports so much that is negative. So many people's

behaviour flies in the face of decency, kindness, compassion, truth-

telling, and the best of contemporary understanding. Some, at

governmental level, is about warring against enemies with

unconscionable and persistent cruelty and with serious disregard for

international values and laws.

[16] So, 85 and 60 of those years married to Barbara. We have our

family histories including twins Sian and Adam and their families. We

have our work histories of towns and diverse east London. Since 1993

we’ve lived and flourished in the suburban London commuter-town of

Loughton. Last year we moved to this flat with me in a wheelchair and us

with all our limitations. Now we look out on Barbara’s wonderful garden

with the olive tree brought from Staples Road where we lived for 25

years (1999-2024). And we both desire to live as fully as we can.

[17] I often return to these words of Hilary Mantel: “I feel that each

morning it is necessary to write myself into being [2003].” So here, for

my 85th , I write myself into ‘being-reality;’ into being alive and focussed;

into saying thank you to all who bless my and our lives.